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23 August 2009 @ 04:09 pm
I had a lot of bad dreams last night, and one good dream which I hated to wake up from. It was worse when it was followed by a nightmare that directly contradicted it and took away what feeling of peace I had last night. I woke up physically ill from it. I'd give more details, but considering the audience my journal has, it probably wouldn't be very wise.

I don't need to stir stuff up over what should be laid to rest anyway. Or, something it seems everyone has gotten over but me.

Today's been kind of quick-slow day. Quick in that it seems to go by really fast, slow because it seems as though everything I've done takes forever or takes forever to finish. Or, in other words, it's Sunday.

Drawing's been a pain in the ass lately, but I have stuff to get done. I'm almost nearing the point of just doing things to the best of my ability, telling people it's the best I can do, and moving on. Because I'm stressing myself to the point I can't draw anymore.

On the bright side, I did see a cardinal today. Those are supposed to be good luck. I'm hoping that, before day's end, things take a turn for the better.
22 August 2009 @ 12:22 pm
Ever since I hurt my ankle, I have been told by my mother to stay off of it. Stay off of it, stay off of it, if you keep walking on it you'll hurt yourself worse. So, you know, I've tried. I got an ace bandage and wrapped it up and I try to spend most of my time off of my feet. Not that I wouldn't do that anyway; it hurts like a bitch to put weight on it.

I don't know what I did, but ever time it gets touched I squeal like a hurt puppy. I don't think I've ever fucked my ankle up this bad before, and god knows that I've hurt it enough. I'm accident prone like you would not believe. I am ALWAYS getting hurt. I thought I fractured it, honestly, but since I can't afford a visit to the hospital I've just told myself it was a sprain and I hobble around to the best of my ability.

But the thing is, both inhabitants of this house are hurt. Mom hurt her back. I hurt my ankle.

However, mom has a high threshold for pain and a prescription for hydrocodone that she once bragged made it to where she couldn't even tell she was hurt in the first place. I too have a high threshold for pain, but the closest thing I have to a pain killer is over-the-counter aspirin. Aspirin doesn't really work very well. :|

As such, she seems to think that I should be able to "walk it off" like she is. So as she's boppin' along like everything's fine and dandy, I'm limping and screeching like a cat just trying to get down the hall to get a bottle of water. Today she detailed a lovely day out where she needed me to go along to carry a bag of dog food. I was like, "Okay. That's a fifty pound bag and she doesn't need to be doing all that heavy lifting. I can tag along and help her with that. How long could it take? Five minutes to get in and out? I won't be on my feet for too long. I can do this. :3"

But as soon as I agreed, she stretched the outing, citing that my birthday is in three days and she doesn't know what to get me because "you're an adult now and hard to shop for because I can't just buy you toys anymore and you switch around your art so much I'm oblivious as to what to get you even for THAT," so she was going to set me loose and let me find something that I needed or wanted and she'd treat me to it as my gift. I was appreciative, but was about to ask her to put it off until I felt better, when she blurted, "And I'm going to buy something to wear when I go visit Roeper tonight. His daughter is getting married and Dan was invited to a little get-together, and he wants me to go with him."

So, uh, I'mma be dragged all across town very likely. It is mom, and clothes are involved.

This is either going to turn out to be very amusing, or very painful. XD


I would take one of her muscle relaxers (she keeps offering me one because she says she's never seen me mess myself up this bad), but I'm hesitant. Those things ARE kinda dangerous, you know. What with your heart being a muscle and all.

Current Mood: confusedconfused
21 August 2009 @ 10:08 am
Getting ready to go play FFXII because--even though I should probably check the mail--I messed up my ankle pretty bad yesterday and I can't do much else aside from sit. I hurt it en route from the house to the orthodontist, and then had to walk back to Southeast looking like a crazy drunk, probably. I remember I was in front of the airport, and I stopped probably six times before even walking past it. It felt like somebody had tried to saw off my foot and quit halfway through.

Even so, yesterday I could hobble around on it decently. Today? No such luck. I had to hop the distance to the computer on one foot. I looked like a retard. It was great. :B

I wish, like, mom would have mercy on me. I know she needs help, but she seems to also need me for every trivial thing in the world (from "come look at this dog on TV" to "Hey! Come here! ... Is it raining?"). She's the one who told me to not be up and about on my ankle, too. 

I was hoping to wake up in time to talk to Dave before he went to bed (THAT DAMN NOCTURNE), but I guess my body decided to catch up on sleep. In bed at ten, up at ten. Twelve hours? I'm still tired. :|

Speaking of AIM, it's funny how I get angry if I see corresponding away messages between two people. Like, bitchy and grumbly and irritated. Common sense says, "You're overreacting. Shut up. :|," but the more emotional and fearful side of me is all like, "HOW DARE THEY BE ASLEEP AT THE SAME TIME THEY BETTER HOPE THEY'RE NOT NEAR EACH OTHER OR I'LL AFKAFDAGHAF."

Welcome to the mind of psycho girlfriend. All angry all the time.



20 August 2009 @ 08:53 am
I may not get done with this entry because in about twenty minutes I need to head out. Yaaaaay walking across town to have people put wire cutters in my mouth. :B

This is to counteract an entry yesterday, concerning my problems and grievances. Most of you can't see it; it's very personal because of one hot topic that I don't want spread, so it was quarantined off to a handful of people who helped me cope with the incident and pull me through. I really, really don't want those beyond that spectrum to be aware. I'm sorry if this offends you. The tl;dr of it was, "Things have been pissing me off and it's taking a lot out of me."

That said, today I'm doing an entry of the things that make me happy. A little bit of positive focus, yeah? :3

  1. Dave. He may have messed up recently, but it was the only time he's messed up since I've been with him. I think that's why it scared me so bad. I don't exaggerate when I say he's the best thing that's ever happened to me; he's really helped me grow up and change for the better, he's always been encouraging enough to keep me at things that I may have previously stopped, and he's always the voice of reason and optimism whenever I fall into deep, dark holes of despair. I had him up on a golden pedestal for a reason, guys. It was because he's done more for me than most people, from teaching me that not all men are monsters to giving me the extra nudge to go back to school (despite the fact he personally thinks college is a scam). Even when things were at their darkest between us, he always said "to hell with my problems" and was there for me. Even if it seemed to drive him insane. I could write a couple of pages about the one incident that I've ever considered leaving him, but I could write a novel concerning all the good things about him, the good times we've had, and how he's helped me. I'd hate to lose him, I don't want to lose him. He's my fuzzy, and I love him more than I think anyone really knows. Even him. I mean, even now, most of my friends can vouch for the fact that I still carry on and on about him like I always have. He still is that special someone to me, and the only thing that could tear me from him is if he made the same mistake twice.
  2. My friends. I sometimes feel I take them for granted and, as of late, I've been pretty damn isolated from them. Yet, they always pull through in the punch. From Ivan and Katherine (who always cheer me up with just how crazy they are <3), to Tika and Wes (who are likely to drop what they're doing and show up at my house if they think something is awry), to Aer and Luna and Icen (who are willing to listen more than most). They really are the nexus of my being, and I don't know what I'd do without them. You guys think I don't appreciate you? Think again. You are, to me, some of the most important people in the world.
  3. My flaws that I hate myself for are all temporary. I can lose weight, I can practice drawing. At least I'm not stupid. You can't fix that. I don't care what you say. Yes, you can teach a stupid person facts out of a book. They'd still be stupid. And stupid, I am not. I'm actually pretty damn smart, as a matter of fact. I may not act like it all the time, but I assure you that I just act dumb for fun. :P
  4. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DAMN IT I GOT TO GO I GOT TO GO I will finish this later talk to you then bye. X_X




19 August 2009 @ 04:30 pm


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19 August 2009 @ 02:02 pm
Today has been frustrating enough to make me scream bloody murder on my front porch. I'm surprised I didn't get the cops called on me over it.

I'm crying so fucking hard. I'm not depressed. I'm just stressed and frazzled and frustrated and I really want somebody to talk to. I'm soaked from the rain and I smell like dog and I'm hurt and I'm tired and I feel like an idiot. Maybe the day will get better. I certainly hope so, though I doubt it with how violently I've been trying to fight the DSL.

I was in such a fucking good mood this morning too. It was sunny and I was happy and everything was just awesome.

And then... and then I go to class. And it was just this downhill roll from there.

I'm probably the most depressing person on earth. And you know, the fact that I am just makes me feel worse about things. Because I've already probably ruined at least two people's days at it is, barring me from this tally.
Current Mood: stressedstressed
17 August 2009 @ 09:11 pm
Sick doesn't mix well with a few things.
17 August 2009 @ 10:05 am
It is ten in the morning.

I have class in two hours.

I hate everything. I wanna go back to bed. X_X
16 August 2009 @ 06:00 pm
Every time I turn around, I keep running across something I don't want to see or acknowledge the existence of. And I've run across it maybe  five times in the past five minutes. My heart is just thudding with rage and I am gritting my teeth and trying to keep my temper. The last thing the people talking to me right now is for me to flip out at them for a reason they don't understand. Or, probably would understand but wouldn't understand why I'm raging about it now.

I also have decided there's a 99% chance that I will probably ditch markers and buy a tablet if I have the money from the residual check. I'd likely buy one and then stick back the rest of my money and not spend it. I feel pressured to start doing digital, and have been curious about it for a while. And I would honestly feel better, I think, at least regarding one specific way. I'd feel more useful at least.

I just feel kinda left out, and jealous, and overlooked.

16 August 2009 @ 12:05 am

Uh. Bitching about things never helped.

Durp durp durp tired and grumpy.

Just gonna go sleep to get my mind off of what I'm thinking too hard about.