I had a lot of bad dreams last night, and one good dream which I hated to wake up from. It was worse when it was followed by a nightmare that directly contradicted it and took away what feeling of peace I had last night. I woke up physically ill from it. I'd give more details, but considering the audience my journal has, it probably wouldn't be very wise.

I don't need to stir stuff up over what should be laid to rest anyway. Or, something it seems everyone has gotten over but me.

Today's been kind of quick-slow day. Quick in that it seems to go by really fast, slow because it seems as though everything I've done takes forever or takes forever to finish. Or, in other words, it's Sunday.

Drawing's been a pain in the ass lately, but I have stuff to get done. I'm almost nearing the point of just doing things to the best of my ability, telling people it's the best I can do, and moving on. Because I'm stressing myself to the point I can't draw anymore.





On the bright side, I did see a cardinal today. Those are supposed to be good luck. I'm hoping that, before day's end, things take a turn for the better.

Ever since I hurt my ankle, I have been told by my mother to stay off of it. Stay off of it, stay off of it, if you keep walking on it you'll hurt yourself worse. So, you know, I've tried. I got an ace bandage and wrapped it up and I try to spend most of my time off of my feet. Not that I wouldn't do that anyway; it hurts like a bitch to put weight on it.

I don't know what I did, but ever time it gets touched I squeal like a hurt puppy. I don't think I've ever fucked my ankle up this bad before, and god knows that I've hurt it enough. I'm accident prone like you would not believe. I am ALWAYS getting hurt. I thought I fractured it, honestly, but since I can't afford a visit to the hospital I've just told myself it was a sprain and I hobble around to the best of my ability.

But the thing is, both inhabitants of this house are hurt. Mom hurt her back. I hurt my ankle.

However, mom has a high threshold for pain and a prescription for hydrocodone that she once bragged made it to where she couldn't even tell she was hurt in the first place. I too have a high threshold for pain, but the closest thing I have to a pain killer is over-the-counter aspirin. Aspirin doesn't really work very well. :|

As such, she seems to think that I should be able to "walk it off" like she is. So as she's boppin' along like everything's fine and dandy, I'm limping and screeching like a cat just trying to get down the hall to get a bottle of water. Today she detailed a lovely day out where she needed me to go along to carry a bag of dog food. I was like, "Okay. That's a fifty pound bag and she doesn't need to be doing all that heavy lifting. I can tag along and help her with that. How long could it take? Five minutes to get in and out? I won't be on my feet for too long. I can do this. :3"

But as soon as I agreed, she stretched the outing, citing that my birthday is in three days and she doesn't know what to get me because "you're an adult now and hard to shop for because I can't just buy you toys anymore and you switch around your art so much I'm oblivious as to what to get you even for THAT," so she was going to set me loose and let me find something that I needed or wanted and she'd treat me to it as my gift. I was appreciative, but was about to ask her to put it off until I felt better, when she blurted, "And I'm going to buy something to wear when I go visit Roeper tonight. His daughter is getting married and Dan was invited to a little get-together, and he wants me to go with him."

So, uh, I'mma be dragged all across town very likely. It is mom, and clothes are involved.

This is either going to turn out to be very amusing, or very painful. XD

I'M KIND OF CURIOUS WHICH.

I would take one of her muscle relaxers (she keeps offering me one because she says she's never seen me mess myself up this bad), but I'm hesitant. Those things ARE kinda dangerous, you know. What with your heart being a muscle and all.

Getting ready to go play FFXII because--even though I should probably check the mail--I messed up my ankle pretty bad yesterday and I can't do much else aside from sit. I hurt it en route from the house to the orthodontist, and then had to walk back to Southeast looking like a crazy drunk, probably. I remember I was in front of the airport, and I stopped probably six times before even walking past it. It felt like somebody had tried to saw off my foot and quit halfway through.

Even so, yesterday I could hobble around on it decently. Today? No such luck. I had to hop the distance to the computer on one foot. I looked like a retard. It was great. :B

I wish, like, mom would have mercy on me. I know she needs help, but she seems to also need me for every trivial thing in the world (from "come look at this dog on TV" to "Hey! Come here! ... Is it raining?"). She's the one who told me to not be up and about on my ankle, too. 

I was hoping to wake up in time to talk to Dave before he went to bed (THAT DAMN NOCTURNE), but I guess my body decided to catch up on sleep. In bed at ten, up at ten. Twelve hours? I'm still tired. :|

Speaking of AIM, it's funny how I get angry if I see corresponding away messages between two people. Like, bitchy and grumbly and irritated. Common sense says, "You're overreacting. Shut up. :|," but the more emotional and fearful side of me is all like, "HOW DARE THEY BE ASLEEP AT THE SAME TIME THEY BETTER HOPE THEY'RE NOT NEAR EACH OTHER OR I'LL AFKAFDAGHAF."

Welcome to the mind of psycho girlfriend. All angry all the time.

Ummmmmm.

( NIGHTMARE )

I may not get done with this entry because in about twenty minutes I need to head out. Yaaaaay walking across town to have people put wire cutters in my mouth. :B

This is to counteract an entry yesterday, concerning my problems and grievances. Most of you can't see it; it's very personal because of one hot topic that I don't want spread, so it was quarantined off to a handful of people who helped me cope with the incident and pull me through. I really, really don't want those beyond that spectrum to be aware. I'm sorry if this offends you. The tl;dr of it was, "Things have been pissing me off and it's taking a lot out of me."

That said, today I'm doing an entry of the things that make me happy. A little bit of positive focus, yeah? :3

1. Dave. He may have messed up recently, but it was the only time he's messed up since I've been with him. I think that's why it scared me so bad. I don't exaggerate when I say he's the best thing that's ever happened to me; he's really helped me grow up and change for the better, he's always been encouraging enough to keep me at things that I may have previously stopped, and he's always the voice of reason and optimism whenever I fall into deep, dark holes of despair. I had him up on a golden pedestal for a reason, guys. It was because he's done more for me than most people, from teaching me that not all men are monsters to giving me the extra nudge to go back to school (despite the fact he personally thinks college is a scam). Even when things were at their darkest between us, he always said "to hell with my problems" and was there for me. Even if it seemed to drive him insane. I could write a couple of pages about the one incident that I've ever considered leaving him, but I could write a novel concerning all the good things about him, the good times we've had, and how he's helped me. I'd hate to lose him, I don't want to lose him. He's my fuzzy, and I love him more than I think anyone really knows. Even him. I mean, even now, most of my friends can vouch for the fact that I still carry on and on about him like I always have. He still is that special someone to me, and the only thing that could tear me from him is if he made the same mistake twice.
2. My friends. I sometimes feel I take them for granted and, as of late, I've been pretty damn isolated from them. Yet, they always pull through in the punch. From Ivan and Katherine (who always cheer me up with just how crazy they are <3), to Tika and Wes (who are likely to drop what they're doing and show up at my house if they think something is awry), to Aer and Luna and Icen (who are willing to listen more than most). They really are the nexus of my being, and I don't know what I'd do without them. You guys think I don't appreciate you? Think again. You are, to me, some of the most important people in the world.
3. My flaws that I hate myself for are all temporary. I can lose weight, I can practice drawing. At least I'm not stupid. You can't fix that. I don't care what you say. Yes, you can teach a stupid person facts out of a book. They'd still be stupid. And stupid, I am not. I'm actually pretty damn smart, as a matter of fact. I may not act like it all the time, but I assure you that I just act dumb for fun. :P
4. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DAMN IT I GOT TO GO I GOT TO GO I will finish this later talk to you then bye. X_X

TO THE ORTHODONTIST...


...



... IN HEAVY RAIN!

Today has been frustrating enough to make me scream bloody murder on my front porch. I'm surprised I didn't get the cops called on me over it.

I'm crying so fucking hard. I'm not depressed. I'm just stressed and frazzled and frustrated and I really want somebody to talk to. I'm soaked from the rain and I smell like dog and I'm hurt and I'm tired and I feel like an idiot. Maybe the day will get better. I certainly hope so, though I doubt it with how violently I've been trying to fight the DSL.

I was in such a fucking good mood this morning too. It was sunny and I was happy and everything was just awesome.

And then... and then I go to class. And it was just this downhill roll from there.

I'm probably the most depressing person on earth. And you know, the fact that I am just makes me feel worse about things. Because I've already probably ruined at least two people's days at it is, barring me from this tally.

Sick doesn't mix well with a few things.

It is ten in the morning.

I have class in two hours.

I hate everything. I wanna go back to bed. X_X

Every time I turn around, I keep running across something I don't want to see or acknowledge the existence of. And I've run across it maybe  five times in the past five minutes. My heart is just thudding with rage and I am gritting my teeth and trying to keep my temper. The last thing the people talking to me right now is for me to flip out at them for a reason they don't understand. Or, probably would understand but wouldn't understand why I'm raging about it now.

I also have decided there's a 99% chance that I will probably ditch markers and buy a tablet if I have the money from the residual check. I'd likely buy one and then stick back the rest of my money and not spend it. I feel pressured to start doing digital, and have been curious about it for a while. And I would honestly feel better, I think, at least regarding one specific way. I'd feel more useful at least.



I just feel kinda left out, and jealous, and overlooked.

NEVERMIND.

Uh. Bitching about things never helped.

Durp durp durp tired and grumpy.


Just gonna go sleep to get my mind off of what I'm thinking too hard about.

I feel bad having accumulated all of this, some of which have remained unfinished for a year. I can say that I have whittled down my list from September down past 30, though with repeated costs tossed unexpectedly at me I ended up putting myself even further behind. I know a lot of people probably think I'm a con artist, or I forgot them. I know I've been irresponsible. I know I suck. I know I'm slow. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm a thousand times sorry.

They didn't cancel my classes. I was approved for financial aid. Everything is settled. I will be going to college, classes start on Monday, all this fighting was worth it. I am... relieved on the verge of tears, even with the news that Sterling is cutting off my rides to the school and I will be forced to walk (no biggie, honestly; it's not far, and I was trying to think of a polite way to say "thanks, but no thanks" to them due to the fact that I wanted/need to start walking).

I will be getting $2,675 this semester (and another next semester). And I'll be taking Spanish III, Bio (with a separate lab course), Algebra, and Psychology. Unfortunately, I'll have night classes Monday and Wednesday (urgh), but whatever. I still get Fridays off, just like last year (*thumbs up*).

I'm just relieved. I didn't want to be set back a year. I... was almost panicked over it.

I think next year, though, I'll try to transfer out to Berea. It's a good college, you work off your tuition on campus, there's a bus station right there, and my brother and sister--who I never get to see--live right within town.

I'm disappointed in night classes, but whatever. I can deal. I CAN DEAL.

I have one hell of a gap between classes on Wednesdays anyway (not so much on Monday, but still a pretty large gap).

Okay. So. No go with the financial aid today. Because I live in my mother's house, I am technically a dependent. And because I am dependent, I need her signature for all my forms. Which she didn't put on said forms. Which I wouldn't be able to get until she got home from work, sometime after the financial aid offices close.

Which means I need to get her to sign some things, and then go back tomorrow. Tomorrow is the deadline, meaning that if this isn't handled then, then I am not going back to college.

:|

I am so frustrated right now.

Tika is still sticking around for now; she told me she'd wait for me to get things handled since she's in no hurry (she's actually not very excited about going back; she's about as sick of school as I am, and we're both just kind of slogging through because "it's for our own good"). That and she's having trouble locating her own tax forms. And there's some stuff on the forms that she needs her family to fill out.

I'm honestly wondering is all this stress is actually worth it.

In the meantime, I'm just taking today to try and force my mind off of all the things that are pressing my mind: worry about Dave, worry about college, concern about Tika and her brother, everything. I've actually been sitting here with her playing FFXII. Trying to max out my character's levels, get new weapons, beat Yiazmat (finally), etc.

*flop* I still feel kinda high strung. I hope that goes away.

As if my life wasn't a stressful, depressing shithole enough in recent weeks, I'm now entangled in a nasty fuckin' fight with the financial aid office. I was approved... for selection. I have to fill out another goddamn form, find my worthless W-2 (I didn't even make enough last year to file for a tax return), get a bunch of signatures, fill out a bunch of paperwork and maybe--just maybe--a week after I fucking start classes, I will get approved.

I have to go back tomorrow with a veritable box full of fuckin' information, and even then, it's not guaranteed until after I start college if I'll even get approved. Hopefully, if I'm not, I could drop out rather painlessly and find a job in this opportunity-lacking wasteland to pay off what debt I incurred. That is, if I don't have to start the process all over again because some woman guessed how much I made last year when I told her how long I worked and the average I was paid (this wasn't even the net, either; I told her what I was paid, not how much I made before taxes and whatever because I didn't fucking know).

So. I may not be going back to school. Nice.

Thanks, government and the lackluster faculty of Southeast. Thanks a whole fucking lot.



Not to mention, the weather is fuckin' nasty right now. HURR, FIGHTIN' THE INTERNET TO KILL TIME. :|

I kinda wanna stay up until Dave comes back, but I have to run to the college tomorrow. Sometime. Probably early.

Yeah, yeah. I was supposed to go today, but unforeseen issues arose that prohibited that. It's okay; I had time to find the paper where it listed the classes I registered for in June. It was stuck away with some tax information. Nifty-spiff. In retrospect, I should have known it was there from the whole bullshit affair regarding my early registration anyway. I wonder why it took me hours to remember.

I caught a brown recluse in a Hardees cup today. I was just gonna throw it outside, but Dave told me it'd be safer to just kill it. So, I sprayed it with... furniture polish because I couldn't get anything down in there to crush it and the RAID has basically vanished. It probably was a good idea. They tend to infest my room. Mercy is not an option.

Wes wants to come over tomorrow, with a friend of his I've never met. My room's a mess; I honestly came back to a room covered in dust, spiders, and cat vomit/dog prints because mom let the animals in here to investigate. I am thrilled thinking about the cleaning of this god forsaken shithole. I'm kind of embarrassed of it, and I really dunno if I want Wes or anyone to visit until I get this shit straightened up. Well, that and the fact that I really don't want to be around anyone.

I know they say isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do when you're depressed, but I've really not felt like dealing with anyone lately. I think Dave and Ivan are the only ones I've really been chit-chatting with lately, though even they have to have noticed my bouts of silence and tendency to take forever to answer a question. I keep zoning out. I can't really keep concentrated on conversations. Or people. My brain has been pretty blank lately.

I found Piggy today. He's a stuffed boar that I bought from the dollar store last year. I bought Dave a matching one in March; anniversary gift of sorts? He found a rhino  that looked like them afterwards. They're all three in my room. I've kind of piled them on my bed with the stuffed Bub he got me, and the little stuffed kangaroo Ivan mailed me after his vacation to Australia. And the plush possum I brought back from Florida.

Piggy used to make me really happy, because of how cute and awkward he was, and the memories attached. I kinda hope he picks up his magic again, 'cause I've been feeling really, really down off and on lately.

I can say this much: Things seem like they're getting better. I'm cautious, but optimistic. I can go for a long, long time feeling just as spunky as I always am. It's just I keep bottoming out. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life as I have this past month.

I wanna go to bed, but I want to stay up long enough to tell Dave good night. Urf, I am a bit too clingy for my own good. Or rather, I'm a worrier. Haha. At least when I tell him good night, I know that he's okay when I go to bed. I dunno; I worry about his well being when I'm this far away.

Well, that and my hair's wet. I took a shower, like, three hours ago. Hahahaha. My hair is too thick for its own good.

Ugh, I need to quit listening to the Madworld soundtrack. It just kinda makes me want to punch people.

I've spent the majority of the day playing Final Fantasy XII.

I've figured out it's impossible to beat Fafnir with a single character (at least for me) because he hits too hard, regenerates his health too quickly, has too much HP, and inflicts too many status ailments. I was gonna try to beat every hunt up to Shadow Seer with Fran only, but I guess that's out of the question for now. I kind of made up for it by finally getting off my lazy ass and nabbing Zodiark on my 100% (except for that fucking Zodiac Spear and that damned Genji Armor) file.

Zodiark. He's, uh, something alright. Deals massive damage, is kind of pointless aside from that. When the big, bad summon gets mobbed by bats and dies within a few seconds, that's not really much of an ultimate summon. I should probably go get Ultima sometime.

...

Tomorrow I have to go get finalized for financial aid and re-register for classes. We were supposed to meet up with Heather at seven in the morning to do this, but there's a chance that Tika and I will still be able to get into the classes we registered for in June. They haven't written us out of the classes yet, so we can only hope that's legit and not some manner of computer error. There's a chance they got their grubby paws on our KHEAAS money, and that took care of the $500+ downpayment they were demanding within two days of registering to "hold your place until your FAFSA goes through." Fingers crossed; I don't exactly want to re-reg, 'cause the schedule I had lined up was pretty kickin' (lots of psychology, and lord knows I love that sorta thing).

...

I've been sitting here while typing, playing with a Venusaur keychain. I've kinda started inadvertantly collecting Pokemon, which is odd because it makes me feel like I'm nine again, though I have to regret that I feel kinda bad letting go of all of my old Pokemon stuff when I felt like I was growing out of them. I lost interest, got rid of everything, and kinda started falling back into it. I look through collectors' sales and realize that a lot of the stuff I used to have could probably make me some money now. That, and I see things I used to own and just feel very nostalgic.

I used to have a Tomy figure of Arcanine when I was, like, ten. I thought it was lucky, and I used to carry it around with me in hopes that it would bring me luck. One day, I thought I lost it and panicked, so my mom bought me this pewter Charizard necklace. I wore it until I found Arcanine again, and I went right back to that cycle. I also used to have a Vulpix beanbag I got from KFC, who I cherished until... well... until my old dog, Azel, chewed its nose off. Poor Vulpix.

I haven't bought Pokemon stuff in forever. With the exception of these last couple of times (a couple of cheap stickers and a keychain I bought with some chump change while in Canada, and a tiny hoard that I bought with some early birthday money Dave gave me), the last two times I bought anything Pokemon related was with Dave by my side. The first time was last year, when we scoured K.B. Toys when it was still open in the mall here. We were looking for Lucario because this was back when he had a Lucario fixation, and the only one we could find was in a twenty-dollar set of figurines. So, I splurged and bought the whole thing. We split the figures 50/50; he walked off with Lucario, Geodude, and Piplup. I got Weavile, Turtwig, and Chimchar. Chimchar I later begged Tika to take, because I hate that damn thing.

After that--I think during his last visit--we were at the book store and they were selling packs of Pokemon cards with the re-releases of the black-star promo Entei they released with Pokemon 3. And I just stood there and stared and told him about how, like, once upon a time I had managed to nab one of those cards despite the fact I never had the chance to see the movie in theaters. And that it had been my prized possession... until it was stolen. It took him a couple of tries to convince me ("You should buy it, then." "No, I'm an adult." "So?" "I don't need to spend the money." "It's Entei." "What am I gonna do with the rest of those cards?" "Entei."), and in the end I broke down and bought them.

... Come to think of it, the first gift I remember Dave ever giving me was a tiny pencil topper of Nidoking. It sat around on my computer forever, and now it's stored over with my Entei card next to one of my McFarlane dragons.

You know, I think I know the reason I'm an adult and still like Pokemon. I have a lot of memories attached to the damn things. And I think I know why I'm turning back to them so violently now: I have a lot of memories pertaining to them and Dave. Between walking across town with a box of figurines, arguing over whether or not to buy Pokemon cards, the meaningful gift of a Nidoking figure, game misadventures (Futtbucker the Wynaut, Pindick the level 50 Slowpoke I'm never allowed to do anything with, Renard the Naughty Ninetails caught amidst a lesbian Vulpix orgy, the fact he's to blame for me naming my Entei "Propane" and my Nidoking "Nightmare"), or just the amount of time we spend sitting around talking about which one is our favorite. Or the old ARTICUNO IS A MAJESTIC BIRD bullshit.

I guess I'm kinda violently turning back to them for comfort's sake. I guess I find a sort of nostalgic relief in them.

*pokes Venusaur* They are cute, though.

I think I may start a collection of Enteis, Nidokings, and Venusaurs. Maybe Scythers and Kabutops and Anoriths. If I can find them.

...

Eh, I'm still kind of sad. And angry. I still feel very powerfully about everything I wrote in that (now hidden) journal. I really would like a hug, or something comforting. At least my horoscope gave me some hope.

It is the afternoon. I just woke up. I wanna go back to sleep. All I've done recently is want to go back to sleep. But I can't; I have to get ready and go to the store because I need food that's not junk. I'm going back on a diet.

I've felt very fat and ugly and generall self conscious lately, so it's back to water and tuna for me!



I can barely see, haha. I should start wearing my fuckin' glasses.

I got a lot of bottled up emotion. I've been a wreck today.

In lieu of yelling at somebody I've wanted to yell at for a while, I am going to work on some art for myself. It seems like a much more productive means of venting than verbal abuse.

I've not been very chatty, or even energized lately. I'll hit moods where everything is fine, but I keep dropping off into some abysmal place where I feel drained of energy, emotion, or concentration. I can't keep my mind focused, even on things I like. And my ability to carry on a coherent conversation--or talk longer than a few minutes at a time--has been virtually nonexistent these past couple of days.

I just feel very, very tired. I dunno what it is. I think I just need to sleep more. Or, I'm sleeping too much.

But here, something silly:

---

Kira: ARE YOU GOD BY CHANCE?
Jari: No.
Jari: But.
Jari: Close enough.
Kira: All hail the Jarisashahooie!
Jari: I just found out that Curious Chandelier was originally supposed to be named...
Jari: Shampoo Hat.
Jari: I.
Jari: Am kind of sad they decided to change it.
Kira: D: Shampoo Hat is the awesomest thing ever
Jari: I mean.
Jari: http://www.geocities.com/hugedb/pics/DGaiden/CCintro.gif
Jari: Seriously.
Jari: Shampoo Hat for THIS GUY?
Jari: Awesome.
Kira: Oh my god.
Kira: Why did they change that?
Jari: I DON'T KNOW. ;_;
Jari: I will always have Eight-Foot Umbrella.
Kira: Jarisasha-sama, change it back with your holy powers.
Jari: Hold on.